just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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