I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
