I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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