Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize