The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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