I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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