His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
