If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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