fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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