i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
