i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
