Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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