did you get engaged???
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
