my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
