I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize