Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
