I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
