Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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