When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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