that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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