i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
