why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
