Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
