I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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