i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
