My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
