You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
