he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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