apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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