Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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