We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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