apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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