I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
