you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
