You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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