Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
