just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
