The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
