I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
