i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Randomize
