good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Little spoons don't ask big questions
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
