So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Randomize
