Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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