my mouth tastes like poor choices
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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