I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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