Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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