Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
