My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
