def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
