shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
