I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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