It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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