this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
