Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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