Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
