1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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