I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize