FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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