he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
