first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize