We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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