i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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