whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
