last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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