my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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